24th July 2007
FRUSTRATION!!!

We are now in China, and I’ve written this three times. Yes, three. My computer screen is mostly in Chinese, so I was blindly stabbing at buttons like a chimp with a smartphone. Then, as if by magic (or sheer cruelty), the site suddenly switched to English and promptly deleted everything. So here I go again. If it vanishes this time, I shall throw in the towel, the keyboard, and possibly the laptop too.

I’m not able to access my emails because EMBC appears to be down, par for the course during the summer holidays. Not that it matters much, since all the error messages are in Chinese anyway. For all I know, I’m being told that the server is down, I’ve won a washing machine, or someone wants to discuss flood insurance. So, if anyone’s emailing me about work, life, love, or the state of Leicestershire’s submerged towns, I’m oblivious, and it’s probably for the best.

We endured a 15-hour flight via Bahrain. Sarah and I slept through most of it, so it felt mercifully short. Jamie and Sue, however, endured every minute as Jamie coughed, spluttered, and detonated like a tubercular metronome. You can probably guess who sat next to whom.

The hotel is perfect, right on the beach and bang in the middle of the resort. There are very few Brits here (the rest of the world has apparently only just discovered this place), so we’re largely surrounded by Chinese and Russians. The Chinese seem to live in their bathrobes and swim in the warm pool all day until around 2 am. The Russians seem to own everything else, including most of the restaurants. Still, the food is excellent, far better than what we had in Beijing or Hong Kong, and laughably cheap. A meal for four with drinks costs about £8–£10. We’ve been taking taxis everywhere; there are a million of them, and you can hire one for the day for about £20. The weather is hot, sunny and humid, utterly glorious. And best of all, it’s raining back home for once! Usually, the sun comes out the moment we leave the country.

Now, what have we been up to?

• Shopping, and then some more shopping. Jamie has bought a new phone, about 300 pairs of trainers, and some Jack Daniels. Sarah bought clothes, clothes, and, you guessed it, more clothes. Sue bought some pearls, and I bought some trousers and a battery for my camera, which has (predictably) stopped charging now that we’re 5,000 miles from anywhere useful. It did the same in Beijing two years ago. I think it just doesn’t like China.

• Eating far too much, though I heroically drag myself to the gym each morning to keep my beach figure in check. (Okay, fine, round is a shape.)

• Snorkelling and walking. There are diving centres, but none with English speakers, and “Can we dive here?” doesn’t get you far when your only options are blank stares or being mistaken for Russian.

• Foot massages—twice! The whole family’s addicted. It’s like a heavenly blend of bliss and mild torture.

• Having our feet nibbled by fish—yes, really. They eat your dead skin. Once you get over the weird sensation of being nibbled by dozens of tiny-toothed fish, it’s quite nice. We then wallowed in hot pools filled with things like coconut milk. My favourite was the coffee pool, one for the true British spa enthusiast: soothing and mildly caffeinating.

• Visited a monkey sanctuary on an island, which we reached via a jaw-dropping cable car ride (loads of photos taken, none reviewed, as I’m saving my battery like it’s gold dust). The monkey shows were fun, though I did wonder what happens when the audience leaves.

• Seen Sanya by night, from a mountain top. Not quite Hong Kong, but still impressively lit. The Chinese do love their neon!

• Risked our lives daily in taxis driven by maniacs with a fondness for honking, spitting (especially on corners), and checking their phones mid-turn. They have all the road sense of a confused chicken. It’s like being driven by an angry pinball.

There’s loads more we’ve done, but I can’t remember it all (I blame my age and my refusal to use the camera’s review function in case it kills the battery completely).

It’s now 7:30 pm, and time to find food. I shall now bravely press PUBLISH. If you’re reading this, it worked. If not… well, you’ll never know, and I’ll be in the corner, quietly weeping into my egg fried rice.